I follow gun control issues very carefully and read quite a bit about this subject on the web including many comments to many articles. There is quite a bit written about so-called “assault rifles” lately due to several high profile atrocities that have occurred.
There is also a recurring theme that seems to be, “Why does anyone need these things? We need to ban them now!”

As I have stated before, rights are not determined by “needs”. Rosa Parks didn’t “need” to sit in the front of the bus and women didn’t “need” to vote in elections. But those that fought and suffered for these civil rights reforms did us all a favor we can never repay, bringing us closer to the true American credo of “All men are created equal”.

But if we are going to ban things based upon what others feel about the need for the items in question then I have an idea of where we can start. It’s for the children, you understand, it’s always for the children.

There is something that kills at twice the rate of all firearms, let alone so-called “assault rifles”.

There were 2.8 deaths per 100,000 guns in 2011.

But……according to the US Coast Guard there were 6.2 deaths per 100,000 registered recreational boats in that same year. This makes recreational boating over twice as deadly as firearms in the US.

Further recreational boating is not mentioned once in the constitution or Bill of Rights. Come on people why does anyone need a boat that can go 100 MPH over the water with multiple gas-guzzling engines? Could it be that it’s just a symbol to make up for your lack of manhood? Do boaters feel powerful with that big chunk of machinery humming beneath them with its huge, gas-guzzling engines churning out hundreds of horsepower? All so they can buzz around the lakes, rivers and harbors of America causing accident after accident? Now understand this, no one is coming to take your boat away. We just need common sense rules and regulations for everyone’s safety you see.

I can understand fishermen and lobstermen needing boats to make their living raping the seas of their bounty for their evil pursuit of profit over all else but there can be no justification to continue allowing private citizens to own boats when no one has a right to own one or any need to own one especially when these items kill people at more than twice the rate of guns. Boats also consume our precious resources and create pollution which causes global warming killing even more people and destroying our environment.

There are no background checks done on boaters and the boating industries lobbying groups have fought any reasonable licensing plans for years insisting that even children should be allowed to run these huge, deadly contraptions unsupervised. They also have fought against any speed limits on their deadly craft while boat builders build ever faster and deadlier craft with no regard for anything other than profit, profit, profit.

Anyone with the money can buy a boat and recklessly race it about with no restrictions on them at all. If we must continue to suffer the consequences of these unchecked killing monstrosities in the hands of untrained, regular citizens then at least we need to propose some common sense safety regulations and sensible limits. I think no more than 10 horse power per engine sounds about right and a limit on boats of no more than one engine. After all why does anybody need two engines? I’m told that some of these pernicious, floating behemoths even have three engines to further wreck our environment and needlessly consume our precious resources.

Another common sense safety regulation I’m proposing is all boats should be limited to only 5 gallons of fuel onboard at any time. They can return to the dock to refuel or switch out fuel tanks as needed and maybe as they switch the tanks it will give swimmers a fighting chance to get out of the way of these sicko, drunken killers. There is simply no justification to have these high-capacity fuel tanks onboard that foul our waters when the “Captains” get drunk and crash into innocent victims and sink.

Boats should also be limited to no more than 15 feet in length. Bigger means deadlier and more fuel guzzling which equals more environmental damage and more global warming which causes all sorts of horrific effects worldwide. Further there should be strict testing of any person who wants a boat to see if they have a need for one and to see if they are mentally stable enough to be allowed to have such a powerful, deadly machine under their control and then, only if they can show cause, should they be allowed to own a boat. It should also be up to the local licensing authority to choose who can and who cannot obtain these things. They should further need to register it each year and pay for $5 million liability insurance to cover the costs of their deadly, unnecessary “hobby” as well as the environmental degradation they insist on causing for their selfish enjoyment.

I also propose that they should take safety courses and get re-certified twice each year; again, at the discretion of the local licensing authority who should be able to arbitrarily pull the license if he/she deems the person as “unsuitable” to continue in this “hobby”.

No one should be allowed to loan their boat to anyone else and they should be held responsible if anyone else gets behind the wheel of their boat and causes any accident. They should be required to store their boats under lock and key and with all fuel removed and the engine disabled so no one else can access one of these deadly machines.

The rest of us shouldn’t suffer because some inadequate feeling nutjob gets a thrill out of zipping across the water’s surface at ridiculous speeds putting us all at risk.

Organizations such as the American Boating Association (ABA), the American Boat Builders & Repairers Association (ABBRA) represent the big money donors who fight tooth and nail to keep these deadly machines out there with no regard for anyone’s safety. The U. S. Power Squadron (USPS) members run around in their little uniforms displaying their ranks such as “Chief Commander” and “Rear Commander” all the while playing Navy while their organization fights any sensible, widely supported regulations. Let’s face it folks, these are really nothing more than terrorist organizations that should be ruled illegal and disbanded.

Then we have the American Cigarette Racing Team which promotes huge assault boats that are often used to smuggle drugs and other contraband. In fact these boats are the number one choice of illegal drug smugglers and human traffickers. This organization is so reckless as to promote boats that go over 100 MPH with no regard for the safety of swimmers or other people that might be trying to enjoy the waters. Each year thousands die in crashes caused by these irresponsible assault-boat owners who smugly refer to their own boats as “Go-Fast” boats.

It’s time to save lives! It’s time to stop this deadly, unnecessary “hobby” that continues killing ever more innocent children by the thousands.  It’s time we stood up to the powerful boating lobby that has a stranglehold on Congress. It’s time for reasonable, common sense boat regulations. It’s time for America to wake up and do something. If it saves even one life it will be worth it.

Now on to the carnage and horrors caused by other unnecessary activities, such as hiking, rock climbing, skiing, swimming, bicycling, high school and collegiate sports, auto racing, sky diving, scuba diving, jogging and skateboarding.

PS: For those who may be a little slow on the uptake, the above is PARODY folks. I did think about writing this for quite a while since there are probably Democrats and Bernie Burn-Outs who might actually think these proposals are a good idea.

For the record…….I love boats and the bigger and faster, the better. And while we all should strive for safety on the waters, regulations and licensing do not automatically get us there but this is an thought for another day.